So let me tell you about my first experience with Zumba. It wasn't good. And thank God I had the blinds on the patio door shut, because knowing my luck, I would find out that I have a stalker across the way with a telescope, and would end up longer having one after he saw me doing "Zumba"-quotes, because what I did that day was definitely NOT Zumba. Maybe more like "Foomba"...
So. I've been interested in Zumba for awhile now. Cause it seems like fun. But I was always a bit worried about attempting it. See, although I have some rythmn, and can keep a beat (or so I thought), Zumba requires the type of coordination I didn't think I possessed. I can't even do side straddle hops, or as they're called in the civilian world, jumping jacks. Yes, there's nothing like doing 4 count side straddle hops in formation and being unable to catch the beat, the count, or any of it really and instead of high speed in cadence side straddle hops, you're resigned to simply jumping up and down, waving your hands in the air (like you just don't care). So then you become the Re-Up Lady who can't do side straddle hops. Well, don't even get me started on ski jumpers, high skips, or cross country skiers...Anyway, I was in Osan, and I see a set of 4 Zumba DVDs for 10,000 won ($10), and think "what the hell". And by the way, ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies...no polly, no waiver, no statement about the DVDs. So I eagerly purchase them, and all but count down the minutes until I could get home and try the work out craze that's sweeping the nation!
So there I was, Sunday afternoon. Wearing my work out gear and ready to do this! An hour later, I figure out how to the make the DVD player work, and how to figure out the remote that has all of the buttons labeled in doodles. I mean, Hangul (that would be the written Korean language, btw...). Ok, so NOW I'm ready to do this! And I'm excited, I'm anxious, I fixed the DVD player by myself! Wait, I'm not ready to do this. I gotta pee. Now I need to refill my water bottle, cause I drank it all figuring out the damned DVD player, TV and remote control. Ok, I'm back. I'm ready. I'm motivated. Kinda hungry too. Maybe I should have a sandwich before I do this...well, then I should probably wait about an hour before I work out, cause I don't want to cramp up. Wait, do I need to wait an hour? I mean, it's not like it's swimming and I could drown as a result of cramping up. Wait, nevermind, here we go. So much for a sandwich. It's time to Zumba!
So I am intrduced to Tanya Beardsley, Jill DonchaWishYourGirlfriendWasHotLikeMe, and some Asian chick, Chusok, or something or other. Anway, they're all wearing the kind of work out pants that definitely required a Brazilian wax (well, Zumba did start in Brazil, right?), and sports bras. And big hoop earrings. And bracelets. Yeah, cause I always wear big hoop earrings and bracelets when I work out. And Tanya and Jill have their hair back with bandanas ala J Lo in her Jenny from the Block days. Okaaay...and then Tanya speaks. And she can't seem to decide if she's from the Valley or a Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Aye aye aye...So thanks to the lovely Zumba girls, I am going to learn all the steps necessary to do Zumba, and to lose weight while having fun. And I will say, this part was great. Thanks to Easy Beat 1,2, and 3. But can I just say some of these steps I'm not so sure about. Such as the "Cumbia Funk". I mean, is that REALLY a traditional Hispanic dance? Or what's the deal with Reggatron?! Seriously, what the hell is that? But don't worry, cause the 3 Amigas made sure to roll their "R's" whenever they said anything with the letter "R" in it. Even Chusok, which didn't quite sound right. So, each of the girls takes a turn at teaching me all of the steps I need to know to do Zumba. But I'm unable to rewind anything on the DVD player, so I'm kinda screwed if I don't pick it up in 3 Easy Beats. Now Tanya, she is by far the best instructor, indecisive accent or no. Then there's Jill. Who seems more interested in showing us all how well she can Zumba and how hot she looks while doing it (yeah, well I have bigger boobs, bitch). But she's able to teach me the "Destrozza" (roll the R please) fairly well and her favorite, the Cumbia Funk. And then there's the Asian chick. I'm still not really sure what her roll was. But she taught the Calypso stuff and probably some of the other moves. So 45 minutes later, I'm ready to do this! I know the steps. Bring it, bitches!
Oh they brought it all right. And with them, they brought more skinny bitches who's pants were about to fall off and the creator of Zumba. Who sounded a bit like Puss in Boots. I spent half the workout waiting for him to do the big cute eyes, or say, "I am Puss...in Boots". But alas, that never happened. Instead, he spent the whole video groping, fondling and ogling Tanya (who was the lead instructor), Jill, some other chicks and the Asian chick (Chusok, or something about as Hispanic sounding as "Jennifer"). And saying shit like "Ju got to feel de mew-zic.." And groping and grinding up on Tanya. At one point, I wondered, "What the hell kind of video IS this?" Is this a porno that takes place in a Zoomba class? I mean, there's two dudes who aren't even remotely good looking and a buncha hot chicks. Now, I don't watch porn, but I don't think this is the kind I would watch if I did. So anyway. I merengue. I salsa. I cumbia AND cumbia funk. I destrozza (roll the R, please), I do the reggatron (2 r's to roll in that one). Or at least try to. At some point I emulated Jill and just stood there and wiggled, only I don't think I managed to look as good at it. I attempted and failed miserably at the samba, but somehow manage to get the calypso and the shimmy. And let me tell you about the shimmy. These skinny bitches are shimmying like it's their freaking job! And smiling about it! And here's Tanya, "Now remember to just move your shoulders back and forth!" "Don't forget to give it some 'sabor' [taste]!" "Get your hips into it!". Let me get this straight. I gotta shake my shoulders back and forth, shake my ass, AND put some freaking "sabor" into it? Oh, I got your "sabor", honey. It's called the taste of my fist in your mouth. The shimmy is not really a move a woman with boobs will enjoy doing, since even when done correctly, is a bit painful for the "twins". These chicks don't have boobs, so they're shimmying and wiggling, and smiling (and being groped by Rico Suave). And clearly not in pain from shimmying. Grrr....meanwhile, the cast of So You Think You Can Dance are really bringing it. I mean, they are in it to win it. Meanwhile, the white chick with more boobs than coordination, is in her living room, dying, going left when she should be going right. Going forward when she should be going backward. I'm so far off the beat, it's lost, it's gone and will perhaps be found next week. I'm doing the merengue instead of the cumbia. The reggatron (don't forget to roll those r's!) instead of the calypso. And there's no one all up on me groping me. But it's okay, cause Antonio Banderas and Tanya are both really supportive of my efforts, from Julio Eglesias telling me "Ju are doing great" (you should know the deal by now, roll that r, please), to Tanya, the Valley Girl from the Bronx telling me I'm looking good. And don't forget to shake your hips and give it sabor! Jill's in the background by now just shaking her ass and smiling. Chusok is auditioning for Solid Gold, So You Think You Can Dance, I don't freaking know, and Puss in Boots is still smiling and telling me to Feel the Music. And I am dying. Sweating copiously and thankful (hopeful) no one can see me. And wondering which one of the dancers will get voted off, pretty sure it's going to be me. And not upset by that in the least.
Then at last, it's over and we're "cooling down". And no one else is sweating. At all. And it dawns on me. These assholes are not Zumba instructors. No no. They're professional dancers. That explains it. AND they're all wearing Zumba Gear. Ohhhh. So maybe if I wore Zumba Gear, and put my hair back with a bandana, and alternated between channeling Rosie Perez and a Valley Girl, I would be able to do Zumba. Hmmm... as I ponder all of this, and give thanks to every Deity out there that I survived, Cat Deely comes out, dressed to kill and, and in her perky, upbeat, and alluring British accent, declares that I was voted off of this week's episode of So You Think You Can Dance. Well, at least I had the bad news broken to me with a cool accent. But I would have preferred hearing it from Jason Statham...Now for that sandwich...
So. I've been interested in Zumba for awhile now. Cause it seems like fun. But I was always a bit worried about attempting it. See, although I have some rythmn, and can keep a beat (or so I thought), Zumba requires the type of coordination I didn't think I possessed. I can't even do side straddle hops, or as they're called in the civilian world, jumping jacks. Yes, there's nothing like doing 4 count side straddle hops in formation and being unable to catch the beat, the count, or any of it really and instead of high speed in cadence side straddle hops, you're resigned to simply jumping up and down, waving your hands in the air (like you just don't care). So then you become the Re-Up Lady who can't do side straddle hops. Well, don't even get me started on ski jumpers, high skips, or cross country skiers...Anyway, I was in Osan, and I see a set of 4 Zumba DVDs for 10,000 won ($10), and think "what the hell". And by the way, ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies...no polly, no waiver, no statement about the DVDs. So I eagerly purchase them, and all but count down the minutes until I could get home and try the work out craze that's sweeping the nation!
So there I was, Sunday afternoon. Wearing my work out gear and ready to do this! An hour later, I figure out how to the make the DVD player work, and how to figure out the remote that has all of the buttons labeled in doodles. I mean, Hangul (that would be the written Korean language, btw...). Ok, so NOW I'm ready to do this! And I'm excited, I'm anxious, I fixed the DVD player by myself! Wait, I'm not ready to do this. I gotta pee. Now I need to refill my water bottle, cause I drank it all figuring out the damned DVD player, TV and remote control. Ok, I'm back. I'm ready. I'm motivated. Kinda hungry too. Maybe I should have a sandwich before I do this...well, then I should probably wait about an hour before I work out, cause I don't want to cramp up. Wait, do I need to wait an hour? I mean, it's not like it's swimming and I could drown as a result of cramping up. Wait, nevermind, here we go. So much for a sandwich. It's time to Zumba!
So I am intrduced to Tanya Beardsley, Jill DonchaWishYourGirlfriendWasHotLikeMe, and some Asian chick, Chusok, or something or other. Anway, they're all wearing the kind of work out pants that definitely required a Brazilian wax (well, Zumba did start in Brazil, right?), and sports bras. And big hoop earrings. And bracelets. Yeah, cause I always wear big hoop earrings and bracelets when I work out. And Tanya and Jill have their hair back with bandanas ala J Lo in her Jenny from the Block days. Okaaay...and then Tanya speaks. And she can't seem to decide if she's from the Valley or a Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Aye aye aye...So thanks to the lovely Zumba girls, I am going to learn all the steps necessary to do Zumba, and to lose weight while having fun. And I will say, this part was great. Thanks to Easy Beat 1,2, and 3. But can I just say some of these steps I'm not so sure about. Such as the "Cumbia Funk". I mean, is that REALLY a traditional Hispanic dance? Or what's the deal with Reggatron?! Seriously, what the hell is that? But don't worry, cause the 3 Amigas made sure to roll their "R's" whenever they said anything with the letter "R" in it. Even Chusok, which didn't quite sound right. So, each of the girls takes a turn at teaching me all of the steps I need to know to do Zumba. But I'm unable to rewind anything on the DVD player, so I'm kinda screwed if I don't pick it up in 3 Easy Beats. Now Tanya, she is by far the best instructor, indecisive accent or no. Then there's Jill. Who seems more interested in showing us all how well she can Zumba and how hot she looks while doing it (yeah, well I have bigger boobs, bitch). But she's able to teach me the "Destrozza" (roll the R please) fairly well and her favorite, the Cumbia Funk. And then there's the Asian chick. I'm still not really sure what her roll was. But she taught the Calypso stuff and probably some of the other moves. So 45 minutes later, I'm ready to do this! I know the steps. Bring it, bitches!
Oh they brought it all right. And with them, they brought more skinny bitches who's pants were about to fall off and the creator of Zumba. Who sounded a bit like Puss in Boots. I spent half the workout waiting for him to do the big cute eyes, or say, "I am Puss...in Boots". But alas, that never happened. Instead, he spent the whole video groping, fondling and ogling Tanya (who was the lead instructor), Jill, some other chicks and the Asian chick (Chusok, or something about as Hispanic sounding as "Jennifer"). And saying shit like "Ju got to feel de mew-zic.." And groping and grinding up on Tanya. At one point, I wondered, "What the hell kind of video IS this?" Is this a porno that takes place in a Zoomba class? I mean, there's two dudes who aren't even remotely good looking and a buncha hot chicks. Now, I don't watch porn, but I don't think this is the kind I would watch if I did. So anyway. I merengue. I salsa. I cumbia AND cumbia funk. I destrozza (roll the R, please), I do the reggatron (2 r's to roll in that one). Or at least try to. At some point I emulated Jill and just stood there and wiggled, only I don't think I managed to look as good at it. I attempted and failed miserably at the samba, but somehow manage to get the calypso and the shimmy. And let me tell you about the shimmy. These skinny bitches are shimmying like it's their freaking job! And smiling about it! And here's Tanya, "Now remember to just move your shoulders back and forth!" "Don't forget to give it some 'sabor' [taste]!" "Get your hips into it!". Let me get this straight. I gotta shake my shoulders back and forth, shake my ass, AND put some freaking "sabor" into it? Oh, I got your "sabor", honey. It's called the taste of my fist in your mouth. The shimmy is not really a move a woman with boobs will enjoy doing, since even when done correctly, is a bit painful for the "twins". These chicks don't have boobs, so they're shimmying and wiggling, and smiling (and being groped by Rico Suave). And clearly not in pain from shimmying. Grrr....meanwhile, the cast of So You Think You Can Dance are really bringing it. I mean, they are in it to win it. Meanwhile, the white chick with more boobs than coordination, is in her living room, dying, going left when she should be going right. Going forward when she should be going backward. I'm so far off the beat, it's lost, it's gone and will perhaps be found next week. I'm doing the merengue instead of the cumbia. The reggatron (don't forget to roll those r's!) instead of the calypso. And there's no one all up on me groping me. But it's okay, cause Antonio Banderas and Tanya are both really supportive of my efforts, from Julio Eglesias telling me "Ju are doing great" (you should know the deal by now, roll that r, please), to Tanya, the Valley Girl from the Bronx telling me I'm looking good. And don't forget to shake your hips and give it sabor! Jill's in the background by now just shaking her ass and smiling. Chusok is auditioning for Solid Gold, So You Think You Can Dance, I don't freaking know, and Puss in Boots is still smiling and telling me to Feel the Music. And I am dying. Sweating copiously and thankful (hopeful) no one can see me. And wondering which one of the dancers will get voted off, pretty sure it's going to be me. And not upset by that in the least.
Then at last, it's over and we're "cooling down". And no one else is sweating. At all. And it dawns on me. These assholes are not Zumba instructors. No no. They're professional dancers. That explains it. AND they're all wearing Zumba Gear. Ohhhh. So maybe if I wore Zumba Gear, and put my hair back with a bandana, and alternated between channeling Rosie Perez and a Valley Girl, I would be able to do Zumba. Hmmm... as I ponder all of this, and give thanks to every Deity out there that I survived, Cat Deely comes out, dressed to kill and, and in her perky, upbeat, and alluring British accent, declares that I was voted off of this week's episode of So You Think You Can Dance. Well, at least I had the bad news broken to me with a cool accent. But I would have preferred hearing it from Jason Statham...Now for that sandwich...
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